wildflowers and sweet tea

February Sunbathing

2012-02-03T11:25:00.001-05:00

This Moment

A Friday ritual. A single photo-no words-capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor, and remember.

*inspired by SouleMama

Stream of Naked Consciousness (Or Shoes)

2012-02-01T13:13:00.000-05:00

A fairy visited my shower last night and left behind her shoes. Little pink shoes. I wonder if she'll return for them this evening. Maybe she'll thank their safekeeping with a brand new pair of shoes for me. Or is it only elves that are cobblers or Keeblers. If the cookie is oatmeal raisin, can I pretend it's a healthy breakfast? Probably not. The fairy used all of my shampoo and my shower smells like man. The boy has started using Axe body wash. He likes the way it smells and the commercials with the pretty girls. Are we really there? I don't want to tell him it's a frat boy body wash. Maybe he'll be a frat boy. God, I hope he's not a frat boy. How do I keep my girls away from frat boys? I hope Analiese does well on her test. She's gets so stressed when she has a test. I guess I'll forgive her screaming about her shoes. Maybe the elves will cobble her a new pair of shoes. I don't think elves wear pink shoes. What do I know? Je ne sais pas francais, that's for sure. Hot water wake me up. I'm not a big fan of tests either. Je sais francais, je sais francais. Je sais francais? It feels like an over-sized sweater and TOMS kind of day.

Museum Time

2012-01-30T13:21:00.000-05:00

Things really have been very busy around here. January has gone by in a blink. I think I've signed myself up for that kind of semester. Three art history classes, a writing class, and french. Plus the spring semester always seems heavy for the kids, too. We're back into all of our extra-curriculars; drama, gymnastics, dance, and the general work of being a fifth grader. Throw in some applications for internships, financial aid, etc., and well, you see why my mind is a bit overloaded. And we've haven't even had a decent snow day to break up the spin.

But I found myself with ten whole extra minutes this morning and thought I could use them to give January a little extra visual loveliness. In the midst of our busy world, we did make it to the science museum downtown. Well, actually it was part of our business, since technically it was a field trip for the boy's class. But since it was a Saturday field trip, we decided to make a day of it and pretend like it was just for fun. The museum is hosting a mummy exhibit, which was the point of the field trip. Unfortunately, I was the only one that enjoyed the mummy part of the day. Chris disappeared with his friends shortly after arriving. And the girls spent most of their time in front of fish tanks and microscopes. Oh well, we each found our own fun and that's what counts.

One Time There Was This Time

2012-01-27T18:20:00.000-05:00

One time there was this time

when I got so busy that I forgot

to tell you that I was busy.

I got wrapped up in Frost and Plath

And Pharaohs and French --

And fell from the face of community.

Blind eyed reading.

And driving and driving

From one commitment to the next,

And stop.

One time there was this time

when I got so busy that I forgot

to kiss my baby on the forehead.

I got wrapped up in Assignment and Stress

And Striding and Accepting --

And fell from the face of continuity.

Blind eyed moving

And going and going

From one missed moment to the next,

And stop.

One time there was this time --

And stop.

Mademoiselle Sicily's Soiree

2012-01-15T16:51:00.000-05:00

Ooh La La! Girls arrived in their best attire to attend the party of the year. Mademoiselle Sicily's Parisian Soiree. There was fashion and photography. Cheesecake and flowers. Poodles and dancing. All was beautiful and lovely. The girls left giddy, in a trail of hot pink feathers. Afterwards, the birthday girl pulled off her dancing shoes, collapsed in a chair for another round of cheesecake, all smiles.

Happy Birthday Sicily

2012-01-14T17:24:00.001-05:00

My beautiful baby girl is seven today. Seven. My baby. My Sicily.

My spunky sprite with the laughing brown eyes. She is a lovely bundle of mess. Gymnast and princess all rolled up in a fierce package that can melt your heart with a hug. She is Biscuit books, cupcakes, Looney Tunes, and ballet. She is my kitchen helper and my living room floor dancer. She likes her music loud and her nail polish hot pink. The girl may have quirky fears, like mascots and talking toys, but she can hold her own on the playground. She is a mystery that I love watching unfold. She is loving and spirited and crazy unique. And I love her deeply.

Happy Birthday my sweet Sicily!

An Imperfectly Beautiful Year

2012-01-01T12:16:00.000-05:00

Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past.

Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.

- Brooks Atkinson

The old year has gone and the new year has begun. This past year is one that I will always remember and one I will always long to forget. Looking back through our pictures from this year was a bit shocking. The year has become such a blur. I was surprised by how much has happened. How many things have changed. How much the children have grown. How different our life is from what I thought it would be when we began the year last January. Some growing up. Some moving on. Some heartbreak. Some love. It has been a very full year.

In January, snow covered the ground. The boy was in his element. My spunky, little sprite turned six. The snow melted but the ice remained. Our marriage walls came crumbling down.

In February, the kids made sweet Valentines. Steven officially moved out. I relied on good friends and family to keep me from falling apart.

In March, we donned green and played leprechaun. I learned to cook for four. Sicily discovered a love for roller skating. The boy built a mouse-mobile and vowed to never do Odyssey of the Mind again. We welcomed spring.

In April, we escaped to the country, we played with ducks, and went to the aquarium. We had an Easter egg hunt. Sicily daydreamed her way through soccer. Analiese became town commissioner for a day. A violent storm left piles of glass around our front door and the little one hasn't slept through the night since.

In May, we picked strawberries and made jam. Steven and I started counseling. We stopped counseling. I started to lose hope of my husband ever coming home. My brother-in-law got into a horrible wreck that paused their lives and determined our summer plans. Sicily danced through a recital and the other two presented their artistic side.

In June, the kids finished the school year with field day and ice cream. I stepped into my thirtieth year not wearing a wedding ring. My sweet, dramatic Analiese turned eight. I moved into a new house with my kids but without my husband.

In July, we went to Arkansas to help my sister and her family. We watched fireworks there. Chris turned eleven, officially a pre-teen.

In August, we went to Dallas and Legoland. We said good-bye to summer and hello to a new adventure. I went back to college. The first day of school arrived and Chris started his last year of elementary school. We inherited a dog.

In September, autumn arrived. We went to festivals. I realized trying to go back to school full time, work part time, and be a full time mom all at the same time is an exhausting endeavor. Sicily started gymnastics and loved it. Analiese started piano and drama. She found her stage. The boy stepped up around the house, proving a maturity beyond his age.

In October, I fell apart emotionally as the loss and heartbreak really started to sink in. Chris ran a race with his dad. We carved pumpkins and I went trick-or-treating with Rapunzel, a hippie, and a butterfly queen. I found out that my baby sister is going to have a baby.

In November, the anger of the heartbreak set in and I felt the shift from holding on to letting go. I gave thanks with family that I love, people who refuse to let me sink.

In December, I finished my first semester of school, and I finished well. Analiese performed brilliantly as a toy soldier. Sicily earned her first medal as a gymnast. We celebrated Christmas as a whole family. I realized I wasn't angry anymore and I wasn't holding on anymore either. We took a walk in the woods. We saw family. Winter came and with it a death of the old giving way to hope for a new future.

And now it's January 1 of a new year.

I thought today was going to be hard for me. It's our anniversary. The brilliance of scheduling your wedding anniversary on new years is that should it not work out, you get to start every year in a bad mood. Unless, you don't. Unless you wake up and surprise yourself by being OK. Unless you wake up and realize that a year later the heart you thought was broken forever might just be on the mend. Unless you wake up and see this new year as a chance for a new start. Then you might just smile through the tears.

Today I'm dropping last year into the past and thanking God that I can. I'm letting the process of moving on really begin. I'm letting go of what I should and holding on to what I can.

I can't see what the year ahead holds. I don't know what I'll be writing at the end of this year. That's the fun of the adventure. I do know that I have three beautiful children that I love, family that supports me, a new dream to work towards, and I'm going to be alright.

Happy New Years everyone.

Our Year in Pictures - 2011

2011-12-31T16:09:00.000-05:00

It amazes me how much can happen in one year. How much a child can grow and change. How much changes in our daily life from the year before. Here is our year in pictures. These are some of my favorite pictures from the year and also some that just say something about what we've been through this year.

Here's to a year that changed our lives. To a year that challenged us in ways unimaginable. To a year that shook us and made us aware of how strong we are. Here's to year of beauty and growth. To a year of family.

Happy New Year's Eve everyone.

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A Private Recital of Jolly Old St. Nicholas

2011-12-30T10:38:00.001-05:00

This Moment

A Friday ritual. A single photo-no words-capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor, and remember.

inspired by SouleMama

After Christmas Walk in the Woods

2011-12-27T13:41:00.001-05:00

We have spent the holiday weekend as a whole family. Steven and I decided that Christmas was a time to be together with the kids. It has honestly been a wonderful few days. After the year we've had, I think we all needed to know that, bent or broken, we're a family. And as a family we still share a love for one another that can't be erased.

This way we were able to keep all of our Christmas traditions in place. We went to church on Christmas Eve, we had a lovely meal, and the kids opened their gifts from each other. Then we were all here on Christmas morning for gift opening and merry making. The day after Christmas we decided to take a walk in the woods. Note in these pictures that the little one is wearing a sleeve-less shirt. It's been unseasonably warm around here. I would consider the air outside cool and crisp, but I guess when you're a firecracker you warm up faster than everyone else. All in all it was a great afternoon. Even if we did get a little lost due to poorly marked trails. That just added to the adventure of it.

We've had a great holiday. It's been a great way to end a very hard year. It's given me hope for the year to come. Most importantly, I've had time to love on my beautiful family. My heart is warm and full.

Merry Making on Christmas Morning

2011-12-26T19:15:00.000-05:00

2011-12-25T21:00:00.000-05:00

We've had a lovely day. Gifts were given and well received. We played and ate and laughed until the day was done. Now the little ones are nestled all snug in their beds with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads...

And I, after a day of loving on my family, am ready to curl up in front of the fireplace and watch one of my all time favorite movies, Love Actually. Today I am happy. Love is brimming all around our little home. It was a perfect Christmas day filled with my beautiful family.

"I've got a sneaking suspicion...love actually is all around."

I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas full of love and peace.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T14:59:00.002-05:00

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Thoughtful

2011-12-23T17:20:00.001-05:00

this moment

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor, and remember.

*inspired by Soule Mama

Country Family Christmas

2011-12-23T17:14:00.000-05:00

We packed up for a few days and ventured down a country road to visit my family.

Everyone (except for my brother-in-law, a hard working cop who we missed) met up at my mom's house. Including my sweet little sister, (married to that cop all the way out in Dallas), who's expecting her first baby this coming year. My other sister and her family were there, so I got some good baby therapy from my super cute niece.

We were all showered with gifts, especially the four (and a half) kids. We got nostalgic over passed down maternity clothes. We played lots of games, ate lots of sweets, and just generally loved on each other.

It was the first time in over a year that we were all together. The first time in four years that we've spent Christmas together. So we savored it until the last minute, when we all went our separate ways again.

Even though we're far apart, all of these people mean the world to me. So I'll do whatever it takes to keep them present in my life. Run up the cell phone bill, send "I'm thinking of you" packages, Skype, drive and drive. That's what family does. At least, that's what my family does. And I'm so thankful that we do.

Winter

2011-12-21T17:03:00.001-05:00

Today is the winter solstice. The shortest day of the year. Today the darkness creeps in early and sends us inside to cozy fireplaces and the warmth of family.

Winter feels right to me this year. Winter is a season for rest and quiet. A season to reflect on what has been and what will be. The season to hope for the newness of spring, the sunshine of summer, and the abundance of fall. My soul needs winter. To let the ground rest and to prepare for new things to come in Spring. Beautiful things.

In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.

-Albert Camus

The Gymnast

2011-12-17T10:47:00.000-05:00

Sicily is a born athlete. She just has the right body for it. Not to mention the energy. I thought that given the overly aggressive spirit she's had since birth, she would end up in a team sport. But the the soccer episode made it clear that team sports weren't for her. She doesn't like to be led by a group. She's Ms. Independent. But she needs an aggression outlet. She's just too feisty for her own good. She loves to dance and she's a great dancer. But she really needed something more. So this fall we decided to give gymnastics a try. Gold. Pure gold, I tell you.

She took to the mat and bars like a monkey to a tree. The girl has incredible upper body strength. She can pull her self up and over the high bar with ease. And yet she has grace enough to glide swiftly down the balance beam. In the gym, she's fearless. She flips and falls, tumbles and crashes, then gets up and tries it again, until she gets it right. She loves it. She absolutely loves being there. My girl has found her sport.

This week she got to prove herself. Thursday was her day to show off. She got to work through the series of skills she's been working on in front of coaches and parents. She was great. At the end, she got her first medal and she was moved up to the next level. She slept with her medal that night. She was so proud of herself. And so am I. My beautiful little gymnast.

My Little Toy Soldier

2011-12-15T14:35:00.003-05:00

Analiese got to put all of her dramatic, imagination to use this weekend. Earlier this fall she began a drama class at our local community center. As a result she was cast as a toy soldier in our local community theater's performance of Babes in Toyland.

I've loved watching the excitement build as she went to class each week in the beautiful one hundred year old building. I have a slight love affair with this building. You can feel the ghosts of the past smiling at you as you walk the halls that they once walked. I love watching my girls giggle and dance with friends all the way down the halls with the creaking wood floors. I love the old theater, perfectly cozy for a small community with stage floor well worn from Nutcracker ballerinas and performers, old and young.

My sweet Analiese got to be one of the spirits that graced that stage. She came face to face, for the first time, with the nervous excitement that comes from being in bright lights. A few weeks ago she went in for a costume fitting and she could hardly contain herself on the way back home. The week before the first performance was full of long rehearsals. Then the day of the first show arrived, and so did the butterflies. The lights went down and the show began. We watched and waited until the toy soldier march and there she was. She ran in with the others and lost her shoe! I thought surely this was going to be a tragedy. But she grabbed her shoe and ran on with a smile. Then they all came out and sang their part. My eyes teared up. My love for my children swells when they are brave and beautiful.

It was a lovely performance overall. They all did so well. But I have a special place in my heart for one particular toy soldier who I happen to think performed magnificently. Even if she did lose her shoe. Instead of flowers, I gave her a nutcracker. A wooden soldier for my lovely, Clara girl. Much twirling and story telling has been going on, and I see much more in our future.

What I Did Do

2011-12-08T07:58:00.003-05:00

Thank goodness for the little things I thought to myself. To be gathered back to life. To moments of simplicity.

I wish I was better at dwelling on what I did do, instead of what I didn't.

Seeking Beauty

2011-12-05T07:58:00.006-05:00

Cold winds can never freeze, nor thunder sour

The cup of cheer that Beauty draws for me

Out of those Azure heavens and this green earth --

I drink and drink, and thirst the more I see.

To see the dewdrops thrill the blades of grass,

Makes my whole body shake; for here's my choice

Of either sun or shade, and both are green --

A Chaffinch laughs in his melodious voice.

The banks are stormed by Speedwell, that blue flower

So like a little heaven with one star out;

I see an amber lake of buttercups,

And Hawthorn foams the hedges round about.

The old Oak tree looks now so green and young,

That even swallows perch awhile and sing:

This is that time of year, so sweet and warm,

When bats wait not for stars ere they take wing.

As long as I love Beauty I am young,

Am young or old as I love more or less;

When Beauty is not heeded or seems stale,

My life's a cheat, let Death end my distress.

-Seeking Beauty, William Henry Davies

Happy

2011-12-02T16:14:00.001-05:00

{this moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

* inspired by SouleMama

Thanksgiving

2011-12-02T15:30:00.005-05:00

We got away for Thanksgiving this year. We went to visit my sweet sister, Hilary, and her beautiful family. It was a lovely departure from our everyday. Simply put: we needed a break. So we had our turkey in Tennessee. We ate and slept and saw Santa. Some of us, the younger one and her cousin, were not so fond of the jolly fellow. Screaming scared to be exact. They made it clear that jolly, or not, sitting on a stranger's lap is in no way fun. So they rode a moose instead.

This was after their crazy moms stayed up until 3am the night before waiting in line in 30 degree weather to buy them the perfect presents. At one point we devised a plan for surviving the mobs which basically came down to "forget me and save yourself". Good times.

Overall, I'd say it's a Thanksgiving I won't forget. Not only because of the turkey, the crazy shopping, and the scary Santa, but also because this was a Thanksgiving I needed. It's been a hard year. A year that has made it hard to be thankful. I didn't get out our Thanksgiving tree this year. I just wasn't in the mood for another holiday to remind me that I had lost something that I loved. But I think I missed out by not taking the time to be thankful. What I needed was to be reminded that I still have so much to love. So much to be thankful for.

This year has definitely been hard. I'm hurt. But I think I've started to miss a lot in this fog of a broken heart. I don't want to miss anything else. When I step outside of myself I know that I have a very good life. I have beautiful children. I have a family that loves and supports me. I am very well provided for. I have all that I need and more. I'm going to be OK.

I need Christmas this year. I need it to soak into my very being and bring me back to life. I need to let myself feel again. I need to feel beauty. I need to see it. I need the peace and joy and love of Christmas. I need to start picking up the broken glass. I need to find the celebration in life upside-down.

Heartbroken Man Hate

2011-11-18T12:33:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling a country-star approved level of heartbroken man-hate this week. My line has been crossed. I spent a lot of time wearing nice and understanding. It hasn't gotten me anywhere. I think I'll try on angry for a bit and see how that plays out.

Really, I'm not a long-term anger kind of girl. I'm the melancholy, cry it out and then" put on a good face" sort. But short-term, serious, Scotch-Irish anger, that I've got.

So today feels like a day for a little music. Heartbroken man-hater music. Don't you agree? Here's one of my current favorites. Enjoy

Purgatory

2011-11-15T11:44:00.003-05:00

I don’t write much because you don’t want to hear what I have to say. It’s not pretty or sweet. It’s cynical and dark.

You don’t want to hear that I’m still broken and hurt. You don’t want to hear that I can’t seem to move on. That I’m stuck in emotional purgatory. Maybe it’s me that doesn’t want to hear it. It all echoes in my head.

I look in the mirror and see only the deterioration this year has caused. The dark circles under my eyes from too many sleepless, tear-filled nights. (I should just stop looking in the mirror.) When I can’t sleep I rearrange furniture. I’ve lost count of how many time I have rearranged the furniture since I moved. The rooms feel lacking. It’s amazing how much space one person can take up and how irritatingly empty the space feels when that person is gone.

The only pictures I take are of my kids. I think I may have lost my ability to see beauty in the daily. I see beauty and life in them. I want to protect them. I want to keep them in a bubble that no one can pop. I know the impossibility of that.

Don’t tell me to get over it. Don’t tell me that I’ll be fine. I get angry at people who tell me to move on. It may seem dark but this emotional mire is safe. I want to hear sad, heartbreak songs. I want to reread letters. I want to cry. Coming out of it means it’s really over.

It’s really over.

It’s almost been a year. I know that I need to figure out what it means to be without him. I have to find stable ground. I’m sick of the voices in my head telling me that waiting is worth it. That he’s worth it. What am I worth?

I’ve decided purgatory is just an upper level of hell.

Halloween

2011-11-02T14:34:00.003-04:00

I only spent $9 on Halloween this year and that was on candy. The kids made, borrowed, or used things they already had to make their costumes this year. I helped a little with pulling things together but for the most part they came up with their own ideas and made it happen. I love the creativity! They all looked really great. They all had a wonderful time trick-or-treating. And, after watching The Great Pumpkin, my hippie, butterfly queen, and Rapunzel all retired candy-full and very happy.

The Halloween Pre-Show

2011-10-30T10:51:00.004-04:00

We kicked off the Halloween weekend with a party, a hayride, a bonfire, a chili cook-off, and pumpkin carving. Whew! And there's still trick-or-treating to come. So much fun!

I'm an autumn tree. Cute, simple, and warm.

Girls night out! Chris had his own party to go to. (It just hit me typing this that he's old enough to have his own party to go to. Bittersweet.)

He did join us for some pumpkin carving. I like having him around because he doesn't mind the goop and mess. (He also came to the bonfire and chili cook-off. Two things he wouldn't miss for any other party. He tried every chili there. He takes competition (and chili) very seriously. )

The butterfly queen and her best friend Cleopatra

Who knew Rapunzel's best friend is a Vampire?

Charlie Brown, The Great Pumpkin is sitting out ready to be watched. Candy is in the bowl. Costumes are set out. We're ready for more fun to come.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Pumpkin Patch

2011-10-23T14:04:00.005-04:00

We took our annual trip to the pumpkin patch today. The pumpkins are beautiful this year! Orange and slightly green, with lovely shapes and nice twisted stems. It was a great fall day too, crisp air, sun shining. A perfect day for picking perfect pumpkins with some of my very favorite people.

Weekends Are For...

2011-10-22T17:27:00.003-04:00

...running a race with your dad in crisp, forty degree, fall air. For finishing strong, as your cheer squad claps and yells your name. And for eating a plate-full of french toast washed down by yummy hot chocolate afterwards.

Soul's Work

2011-10-17T20:51:00.002-04:00

She ran in, cheeks flushed from playing outdoors, and curled up beside me. I started running my fingers through her hair and listened as her mind unwound.

She told me of the beauty of the birds as they chirped in trees just outside. Then she counted on her long, delicate fingers the days until Halloween and then the days until Thanksgiving and then the days until Christmas. She asked about why we celebrate Christmas and then why do we celebrate Easter. She buried her face in my chest when I mentioned Christ dying. That part makes her sad. But her eyes peaked out again when I got to the part about Christ living with his Father in heaven now. She innocently said, "like your father." What's that, I asked. "Like your father is in Heaven too." Yes, like my father.

Then she curled up knees and snuggled in deeper. I kept running my fingers through her hair, breathing in the sweet scent of her. Quiet, we sat, mother and child. A moment, my heart was refreshed, as was her's.

She bounded off again as spontaneously as she had appeared. The feel of her lingered. I closed my eyes and thanked God for her, for them all. For the beautiful lot that is my soul's work.

Stingerfest

2011-10-15T17:11:00.004-04:00

Today was my children's elementary school fall festival. I love school events like this. I love seeing their personalities shine. I love the high-pitched squeal that girls make before they hug. I love that the fifth graders walk around in posses thinking they're so cool as they shove cotton candy in their mouths. I love the games and the hula hoop contest and that my kids are at ages when they still love giving their teachers hugs. I love the tradition in it and that they're making memories they'll have forever. And I love knowing that one day, when they take their own kids to a fall festival, it will be just as nostalgic for them as it is for me.

She put her sister in "jail". She thought it was hysterical. Luckily so did her sister. And these are the exact moments I love.

Scarred October

2011-10-12T14:52:00.009-04:00

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,

Tears from the depth of some divine despair

Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,

In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,

And thinking of the days that are no more.

-from Princess: Tears, Idle Tears by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

I was driving home today and noticed the colors of Autumn. Slight splashes of orange, red, and yellow have begun to appear in the trees along the highway I drive near blind from familiarity. They may have fallen and disappeared completely without notice if I hadn't glimpsed them. I feel that it's Fall. I feel my heart tugging at me prompting me to see, to feel. But I'm missing it.

Our life is a blur of movement. I drive, I listen to lectures, I come home, I take kids to activities, I work. If we're lucky we eat a quickly made dinner before 8pm. Then its baths and a story. Kisses and bedtime. And back downstairs to clean up and repack it all for tomorrow before I can crawl into my own bed.

We're in the process of transitioning from one chapter of life to another. I have to remind myself that transition is temporary and that, eventually, the new will become normal. But right now, as autumn swirls around me, I miss our old normal. We didn't pick apples this year. There is no apple butter. We've pressed no leaves because we've had no time to walk around collecting them. My house does not smell of freshly baked pumpkin muffins. I miss silly little normal things like that. But I also miss deeper things.

I miss having a partner. I've done transitional a lot in my life. But I've never done it alone. I miss companionship and sharing the craziness with someone. I miss going to bed with someone and waking up beside the same someone everyday. The same someone who understands the day ahead of you. Who understands the confusing emotions in the loss of the old mingled with the excitement of the new. Who understands that sometimes you just need to cry and sometimes you just need to sit down.

Maybe October isn't passing me by. Maybe I'm ignoring it. October has big heart-shaped scar right in the middle of it. A scar I'm not ready to deal with. I don't just miss having a partner. I miss my partner. I miss the normal I use to know with him.

But there's nothing I can do about that. So I'm ignoring it and transitioning.

I know I've been quiet. I'm here. Well, not here so much as somewhere. Somewhere, moving on, raising kids, and letting October fall away like the leaves that define it.

The Quiet Arrival of Autumn

2011-09-23T07:36:00.004-04:00

autumn arrived this morning

shrouded in mist from a cool night's rain

ground still damp, and already leaf scattered.

summertime took its leave on

sweet, crisp air that carries my heart

to hushed places of reverie.

there is a quiet in autumn warmth

of peace mingled with departure

as the earth slowly curls back within itself

seeking solace for a time.

and I, with it, retreat to gentle meditation

of what was and what has come to be.

let grace fall in golds and reds

and still the ground with composure.

Exactly What I Needed

2011-09-16T13:09:00.001-04:00

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

*inspired by SouleMama

Weekends Are For...

2011-09-11T13:24:00.003-04:00

...festivals. Especially ones that involve Greek food like Spanokopita, dolmadas, and frappes. And a lecture about a beautiful, art filled cathedral and the history of a centuries old faith, our faith. And if some wonderful friends join you, well, that just makes the whole thing even better.

When the Mice Are Away...The Cat Sleeps All Day

2011-09-09T17:09:00.002-04:00

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

*inspired by SouleMama

Matthews Alive! (Otherwise Known As Our Local Labor Day Festival)

2011-09-03T16:29:00.006-04:00

Parades. Freshly Squeezed Lemonade. Funnel Cakes. Face Painting. Rows of craftsmen selling their art. People dressed up in period dress scaring young children. These are a few of my favorite things. (That song is stuck in my head because the von Trapps were among the characters walking around, singing of course, because what else would Maria have them do.)

Festivals have been going on since Biblical days and parades since Medieval Mystery Plays appeared on the scene. Both rooted in celebration and community. Days when we all come together to have a little fun and celebrate a common bond. In the case of modern day fairs, I'm pretty sure an outsider looking in would say that the common bond is a love of deep fried food. I happen to think it's a chance to see people you know, support your town, appreciate great local arts and crafts, and the bonus is deep fried food.

A fair is like a big case study of human behavior. During a parade you can always count on people to do a few things: cheer for firefighters, give respectful applause to veterans, and shout out to the kids they know who give an embarrassed look back. I get a great sense of nostalgia and tradition from counting on those things. And the festival itself has aspects we all count on. Like the artisans I look for every year, or how the girls know exactly where their favorite face-painter sets up. (Yes, we have a favorite face-painter. She uses glitter putting her far above the rest. The boy was also won over by her this year when he found out she would dye his hair purple, something he tells me he's going to do permanently in high school. Go for it, kid.) And the boy knows exactly which food vendors he wants to go to. He has a lemonade guy, a chicken-on-a-stick guy, and an ice cream guy. This year I tried to switch up the ice cream guy, but the scowl I got made me change my mind.

Above is my new art. I'm so excited to get those prints framed and put on the wall. And my new necklace from a lady I've begun to visit every year. I get more compliments on her necklaces than anything else I own.

I love a good festival. But the real reason I love this particular festival? For me it does exactly what it's supposed to. I fall in love with this little community. If only for a day, I love this little town just for the simple act of throwing such a great party. At heart, I'm pretty easy to please.

Friday Favorites, Back to School Humor

2011-08-26T08:03:00.007-04:00

My favorite section of the newspaper is the Comics. Sure I read the rest, because I should, but I read the Comics because I want to. I don't know what that says about me.

This is one of my new favorites. It's a strip called Freshly Squeezed by Ed Stein. It's about a 30-something couple, their middle-school son, and the wife's parents, who have recently moved in due to the recession. It's a funny look at the dynamics and quirks of having multiple generations living under one roof. I smile every time I read it.

This week's series is about back-to-school and since that has been our theme this week I thought I'd share a few. If you have kids going back to school, or if you have ever been a kid going back to school, these should hit you just right. Especially the bit about the school supply list. The list gets longer every year and I keep getting emails with additions. I've been to Target four times this week and I already spent well over $100 a few weeks ago on the original list. {Hey School, I want my kids to have everything they need to be good learners but you aren't the only one with budget cuts!} There. That's my rant about that.

The last strip is for those of you with boys. I'm pretty sure my son really would rather go naked than go shopping for new clothes. After ten minutes or so he get's that glazed over man look where you can tell that he's no longer mentally in the store. During one of our back-to-school shopping trips, he became so checked out that I started picking up pink things and Hello Kitty gear asking if it would work. All I got in response was, "Sure, whatever. Can we go now?". Oh, boys.

Well, here you go. Enjoy a little Freshly Squeezed...

Happy Friday everyone!

The First Day of School

2011-08-25T16:17:00.004-04:00

The first day of school has arrived. It's one of my favorite days of the year. I love the excitement of the new year. New shoes and clothes. New teachers to get to know. Freshly sharpened bright yellow pencils. You can feel it in the hallways, nervousness and excitement. I love the shout out of a familiar voice and the run and hug moment between two friends. I love the shared look between parents. It's a look of both relief that summer's over and grief that they're getting older. I love the bittersweet swirl of emotions that comes in the moment of release when I kiss them goodbye one last time before leaving them in a new place. On one hand I'm sad to leave them and on the other I'm proud of all that I know they can do. I leave them to let them step out on their own. They must be brave and smart, friendly and independent. It's a moment of shared trust between parent and child. I trust that they are ready for this moment. They trust that I'm where they can reach me, whether they rise or fall. There's a lot wrapped up in the first day of school. And the best part of all? It's the coming home. The moment when they burst through the door all shouting at once. All excited to share their day. My heart swells in that moment with pride and love. My babies aren't babies anymore. They are beautifully brave, smart, friendly, fiercely independent little people with a whole world of possibilities before them.

Update

2011-08-23T16:21:00.004-04:00

Ugh. I'm not twenty anymore. My back hurts from carrying around a backpack with a laptop in it. My legs hurt from walking around campus. My eyes hurt because they desperately want to close. I need a long, hot bath and a nap. I'm two days in and my body is questioning this little endeavor. But if I'm honest I have to admit I'm having fun. Apparently I've been an undercover nerd for the last ten years. I'm kind of giddy about taking notes and using highlighters. I got really excited today in art history when my professor suggested making flashcards of the works we're studying. Multi-colored flashcards for each movement. Who doesn't get excited about that?! What? No one? Well, fine, you're all normal then. And I'm sure around midterms the novelty of multi-colored flashcards is going to wear off for me too as I throw them at the wall in study frustration. But for now, I'm enjoying myself. And I get the unexpected bonus of a great workout as I lug that backpack around campus. Maybe in a few weeks I'll look like a twenty-year-old. Probably not, but a girl can wish.

Brave New World

2011-08-21T15:46:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow I jump into a brave new world. I will once again be a college student. I never thought I would write that sentence. When I quit school to become a full time homemaker eleven years ago, I thought that my life was laid out for me. In that moment, I was content in what I was doing. And I know now that it was the right decision for me at the time. I had no direction for a career or even the desire to have one. I had a child and a husband thrown in my lap and therefore a purpose, one I took on happily. So while all of my peers were doing the college thing and starting careers, I was raising a family. Now, while all of my peers are starting to raise a family, I am doing the college thing. It would seem I got it backwards. But is there really any forwards and backwards in life? Or is it all just a jumbled mess of figuring things out as you go? I lean toward the latter.

I had children very young and I knew I didn't want that to stop me from being the mom I wanted to be. Thankfully I had a partner who supported me in that decision. So I got to be at home when my kids were young. I got to be there for all of the first stages. I got to send them off to school and get them settled into that world. I've loved every minute of it. (Well, not every minute. Any mom will tell you there are minutes when you'd rather be banging your head against a wall than listen to anymore whining or clean up another mess.) Strike that; I've love almost every minute of it. But last year when they were all at school for most of the day, I found myself bored and wanting something more. I found myself ready for a new adventure. I thought through all of my options and realized I wanted to finish school so that I could find something new to love to do.

I'm focusing on Art History and hope to do museum work later. I find the whole thing at once daunting and exciting. The idea of taking tests brings about an instant gag reflex. But the idea of learning something new and interesting makes me really excited. This experience is bringing out my inner nerd.

Other than the stack of books on my bedroom floor, the kids probably won't notice much of a difference. I'll be in school while they are in school. Then we'll all come home and do homework together. I think it will be good for them to see me work for something. It's an opportunity to show them that there's never a point in life when you can't change what you're doing. We're ever changing and evolving people.

So here I am off to my brave new world, ready for a new adventure. That seems to be the theme of 2011 for our family. Just a jumbled mess. But if you allow yourself, there's some fun in the sorting.

Summer Came, Summer Went

2011-08-16T13:40:00.010-04:00

I find it hard to believe that school starts next week. I really feel like the summer has just begun. Spending the majority of two months on the road apparently makes time go by very quickly. Since May, we have traveled over 5300 miles. No, I am not exaggerating. I just did the math to be sure. My car has a permanent fast food, melted candy, beef jerky smell. And I'm pretty sure I can drive from one end of Tennessee to the other blindfolded, not that I plan to try. It has been a tiring summer, but it has been fun. It was wonderful to spend so much time with people we love.

Now we are home and getting ready for the fall. Oh, the fall. The word alone brings a deep, contented sigh to my lips. Fall is coming, I can feel it in the breeze. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. We still have one week of summer vacation left. The perfect time to remember the highlights of this very memorable summer full of family and parties, rivers and silliness, and Legoland thrown in just for the boy. Yes, this has been a good summer.

Eleven Years Ago Today

2011-07-24T10:20:00.008-04:00

Eleven years ago today I became a mother. In that moment my life changed forever for the better. Eleven years ago today I held my baby boy in my arms and prayed that I wouldn't ruin something so beautiful and precious.

Today I can barely wrap my arms around that boy. He is only inches shorter than me and he loses a bit more of the little boy in him each day. Long gone are the days of hot wheels and Bob the Builder. Today he dreams of real cars and real adventure. I watch him as he struggles in the gray between a boy and a man. I see so much of myself and his father in him. But really he is his own. He is kind and thoughtful. He is stubborn and logical. He is a quiet, old soul. He has a poet's heart and an engineer's intellect. He is artist and mathematician. He is annoyed by living in a household of dramatic females and often retreats to his room or his tree. But he will defend all three of us to anyone who makes us cry and takes care of us without being asked. People are drawn to him. He is charming without arrogance. He is handsome without vanity. He is respectful but willing to speak up when he feels he needs to, and sometimes speaks up when he shouldn't. He is a work in progress. But he is a work that appears to be progressing very well. Despite my own imperfections, I have yet to see ruin. In fact, I am constantly finding new reasons to be proud of him. He amazes me each time he rises above a situation that I worry will tear him apart. He is tough and resilient. He is good and he is able to do so much more than I can ever imagine for him.

Today I want to tell him happy birthday. And I want him to know that I am so very proud of him. I think he is a wonderful mess.

Holiday Love

2011-07-21T12:43:00.006-04:00

I grew up spending the 4th of July on the lake. We'd go out on Dad's boat and tube all day long, getting tossed around by giant waves made by the hundreds of other boaters who had the same idea. At some point Dad would break out the skis and attempt to teach us to ski. He tried for several years but we never did learn to ski. Our brains didn't translate putting boards on our feet to gliding on water. For us, it meant face down dives into the water with boards still attached to our feet while the boat sped away. So instead we opted for being thrown into the air by a giant inflatable raft that left us soar and bruised. Really, it's a lot of fun. We would stay out until we were burnt to a lobster-red crisp, tired, and slightly cranky. Then we would drive to the middle of the lake and watch the fireworks. And all of the tired and cranky would melt away. We all love fireworks. We love the 4th of July.

Actually, my family is kind of crazy about holidays. All of them: Christmas, Valentine's Day, Memorial Day, National Popcorn Day. OK, maybe we skip Popcorn Day, but only because we don't know when it is. Holidays we're a big part of my childhood. No matter what was going on day to day, my parents made sure holidays were special days full of good memories. And my sisters and I have carried that sentiment into our own families. My kids know holidays are fun days. I love that. Life is crazy and chaotic and messy. It's important to have some days that are reserved just for good. Just for family and loving one another.

This year, I was thrilled when I got to spend the 4th with my sister, Hilary, and her family. We even made it to a lake! Not on the 4th, but close enough for it to be nostalgic. Throw in some sparklers and some fireworks, and it made for a pretty wonderful 4th of July. Hopefully, one that my kids will remember fondly prompting them to pass down some holiday love to their own kids. Some family and laughter. Some good memories made and more to come.

My Girl

2011-07-20T14:15:00.003-04:00

My oldest girl turned eight this summer. My Analiese. My sweet girl with the reserved smile. My creative girl who is both self-conscious and sure of her ideas. My nature girl who is unafraid to hold any kind of bug in her hand. My girl who wants to travel the world. She imagines trips to India, Italy, and Paris. My girl with the sensitive heart who cries when others cry or are hurt. My girl who would bring every stray in the neighborhood home. My drama queen who thinks the world is most certainly going to end if she can't find her shoes. My girl who disappears into her music and into her world of Peace, Love, and Fairies. My girls who love the color blue. My freckle-faced beauty with the big brown eyes that shine with joy.

My dear, I love you.

A New Home

2011-07-20T13:19:00.006-04:00

I've been exiled from the modern world for the last four weeks at the hands of local internet providers. But I'm back now. Back in civilization. Back at the keyboard with many stories of summer adventure to share.

I left you with s'mores. A good place to leave anyone. We've had many s'mores since then. And watermelon and fresh off the vine tomatoes and watermelon. Did I mention watermelon? I love watermelon, especially in the summer.

In between all of that eating, we've done some traveling and we moved. I think I'll pick up at the move, since that's what really kicked off our summer. We only moved down the street. But this move has felt significant. It seems to be making this new chapter in our life more real and less surreal, though I still feel a hint of surreal hanging in the air. It's the first move I've made in my adult life without my husband. There are boxes sitting in the garage waiting to be moved to his new place. Some days I can't quite wrap my head around that. Some days I feel like this has to be a bad dream that will disappear when I awake. But then I know it's not. He's really going to take all of his stuff and start a life separate from mine. That terrifies me and makes me want to cry.

Other days, I go through my day content, as if a new normal is starting to sink in. (And to think it only took six months to not wake up on the verge of tears every morning.) I slip through rooms that already feel like home. This new place feels right for us four. We are forming new routines and carving out our own special places. For Chris, that would be twelve feet up in a pine tree in the backyard where he has built a fort with his own hands. For Analiese, it's spinning around the floor of her room with her ipod blasting in her ears. For Sicily, it's pushing high on the swings until she can jump off and fly before landing like a cat, gracefully on her feet. For me, it's curled up in bed alone with a glass of wine watching Gilmore Girls and feeling, all at once, home and happy and calm. On those days I know I'm going to be alright.

We are well. We are happy. We are working out the emotional mess of this year. We are home in this place and it feels just right for this moment.

S'mores

2011-06-15T18:37:00.002-04:00

The first of the season...

End of The School Year

2011-06-14T11:53:00.005-04:00

I love the end of the school year. It's such a waste of educational time and yet seriously important. I mean where would we be without memories of field day or yearbook signing? A lot has changed in school since we were kids, but some things are still the same. I love those things.

Last week was Blue and Gold (aka: field day) at the school. All three kids had a blast. Especially Sicily. She has watched her brother and sister play Blue and Gold games for the last four years. Her time finally arrived. She was a pro at every game since she's spent the last four years figuring them out. Although it was a scorcher week, they all three had a wonderful memory making time.

Along with field day, they also got their yearbooks and spent time going around school and getting signatures. By the way, "Have a great summer" is still the most popular thing to write in yearbooks. Chris also got a lot of great comments about his hair. In fact his teacher wrote a class poem that included an ode to his hair. What can I say? The boy really does have great hair.

Chris also won a special award this year. He got the Peace Prize for "being able to get along with anyone in any situation". He makes me a proud mama!

And of course there was the end of year picnic to wrap up another year. It's always sad to say good-bye to friends. But I think we're all ready for summer. We'll have a nice long break and then they will go back a 1st grader, a 3rd grader, and a 5th grader. It will be the last year they will all be in elementary school. That makes me a little sad. But I love watching them grow and learn and become a little more awesome each year.

Last Day of School Ice Cream

2011-06-10T15:59:00.002-04:00

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

*inspired by SouleMama

On Finally Turning Thirty

2011-06-09T11:56:00.004-04:00

Most people don't know how old I am. In fact, on Sunday when people wished me "Happy Birthday" some were shocked to find out that I was only thirty. My oldest "baby" is almost eleven after all.

I'm told thirty is hard for some people. Me, I just shrugged my shoulders and went on with my day. When you start your twenties already a wife and mother, you kind of miss out on all of those typical twenty-something things that all of your peers are doing and jump right to the typical thirty-something things they all look forward to doing later. So in a way, I've felt thirty for the last ten years. That would bother some people. (In fact, I know of someone that bothers deeply to the point of crisis.) But I see it this way: I got everything I really wanted in life. Only I got it early.

That said, my twenties were full of both joy and hardship. Lots of hardship. And I'm certainly not entering my actual thirties the way my twenty-year-old self thought I would. I've been thinking a lot about that naive twenty-year-old girl. She had no idea what was coming but if you had asked her I'm sure she would have given you a picture of complete marital and parental bliss. The next decade would prove to her that bliss is overrated and possibly unachievable. Instead she would learn that life is actually more of a roller coaster of ups and downs that make it much more exciting than continual bliss.

My twenty-ninth year has given me the chance to start a whole new chapter of my life in this decade. (It's taken me a while to say given, and not "slapped me with a whole new chapter of my life".) For starters, I'm stepping into my thirtieth year not wearing a wedding ring. Certainly not something that twenty-year-old girl saw coming. In a week, I'm moving. Just me and the kids. I'm going to walk into Lowes the week after that and pick the first color that makes me happy and paint my room without the opinion of a single other soul, just because I can. I've never done that before. A week after that, I'll be registering for classes. I'm going back to school. Also something that twenty-year-old never thought would happen. I'm getting a degree in Illustration, because when I really looked at my options it's the one that makes me the most excited. Making a major decision like that on my own is also something I'm not familiar with.

I'm looking forward to this coming decade. Where my twenty-year-old self was certain of what my future held, my thirty-year-old self knows not to make such silly comments. I don't have a clue what my life will look like at forty. But I'm OK with that. There's adventure in not knowing.

One thing I do know is that I have a good life. All I have to do is look around the dinner table at my three crazy sprites to know that. We're going to be OK.

I like thirty. I think I'll wear it well.

Hammock Reading

2011-06-03T14:37:00.002-04:00

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

*inspired by SouleMama

Zoo Photos

2011-06-02T17:15:00.006-04:00

We got the chance to spend this past week with my sister and her family. I got some good baby therapy from my niece. And we got to take a trip to the zoo. The coolest moment was when a Grizzly Bear charged the glass (though my 8 month old niece would disagree). In her defense, his paw was as big as she is and it was a bit of an adrenaline rush. We also got some really cool pictures out of it taken by the boy. He's been playing around with my camera recently and he really has an artist eye. These are worth framing.

Accomplishments At The Speed of Light

2011-06-01T15:25:00.009-04:00

My kids aren't babies anymore. They aren't toddlers or preschoolers. They're kids. Just regular kids stuck in the blurry ages between circle time and driving. And while I don't stay up all night with a baby or spend all of my time chasing a two year old around, these years carry a different kind of parental exhaustion. And if you aren't careful you can miss the sweet milestones in the speed of it.

These days seem to be moving faster than when my kids were little. I swear a month goes by in a weeks time. It's harder to capture the big moments because they happen so fast. With three kids things happen one right after the other. In one week we can move in and out of ten or so different places and activities; school, dance, art, piano, football, soccer, clubs, and more. I try to limit their activities, but it's still a whirlwind of a life. A whirlwind that comes to an abrupt stop on June 10. That's the last day of school when summer begins and the extracurriculars take a break. That means that May is a rush of trophies, recitals, tournaments, and tests. Our living room bears the brunt of it. There are pom-poms and tribal masks, trophies and tap shoes just randomly thrown into the usually mix of May mess. My bedroom also sees its share. That's where I store costumes and uniforms, frame art for the studio Gallery Show, and mak e books for the school. Yesterday I tripped over a pile that contained a mouth guard and cleats, a plaster giraffe and zebra, a pile of books, and a box of duct tape and fabric. Really.

I have two days before the rush of the last week of school hits. So I wanted to sit down and share what happened this month. Yes, the entire month. There is so much to share from the last few weeks. If I don't write it down, all of the sweet milestones and moments will be lost to the exhaustion of the age. And that's just completely unacceptable. They work hard for these moments and my heart swells with pride at their accomplishments.

First there was the fourth grade production of School House Rock. During the song Interplanetary Janet Chris was Pluto. He held a sign that said, "who's calling me a dwarf?!" which is funny because if you look closely you'll see that he's the tallest kids in the fourth grade. Even though it was the last thing in the universe he wanted to be doing (exaggerated like a 10 year old) he did a really great job and even smiled a little.

Then there was the science fair. This was something he felt much more comfortable doing. He studied the effects of food coloring on carnations and got a 100%/A. On top of that, his teacher is keeping his presentation to show next year's class as an example of how to do it right. That made the fact that he turned my entire kitchen into a flower covered science lab worth it.

After that there was Sicily's soccer tournament. Even though she showed a strong disinterest in soccer at first, her true competitive spirit came out toward the end. She ended up liking it and playing really well. She even wants to play again in the fall. I told you, she's a feisty little sprite, this one.

And just to prove that she can't be pegged, she easily kicked off her cleats and slipped on tap shoes to rehearse for the end of the year recital. Two trophies in two weeks. As if this child needed any more of an ego boost. She sleeps with them sometimes. Pure feisty mess I tell you.

Now throw football into the mix. Flag football to be specific. Flag football in neon yellow cleats. That has all-star written all over it. This was his first season. He really enjoyed it and played really well. Now he's asking to play tackle in the fall. Oh my. Is my baby really about to play tackle football? With his hair, that has ladies man written all over it.

Music, science, football, and art. He's a regular renaissance man. And he's not just any artist. Now he can say he's a performance artist. This year we had some of our artists perform live during the dance recital. He drew a cityscape while girls tapped around him to New York, New York by Sinatra. *Swoon* Seriously people with his cool, calm personality added into the mix I'm going to have to hide him away in a few years!

The recital and gallery show rounded up the to-do list for May. And it was wonderful. As a teacher, I have to say this was our best show ever. As a mom, I have to say my babies performed beautifully. My little ballerina was perfect in her big black tutu. And all three of my artists got to shine through their work. Especially my Analiese.

She's naturally creative and artistic. She's in piano lessons, has taken drama, and, of course, art. She didn't have much of a stage for her talents this year. She didn't have a piano recital and there weren't enough kids signed up to do a play this year. She goes to all of her brother's and sister's activities and cheers them on. She's got a good heart that does it willingly. But she needs a stage too. She needs to be cheered on. So having her artwork on display was her moment. That's why I love the gallery show. It's a time for those kids who usually shy away from the mainstream spotlight to shine. And my baby shines bright.

I'm so proud of all of them. For all they have accomplished this year. For all they have left to do in the coming year. They're my babies. I love them more than life.

Walking In the Mist

2011-05-17T15:43:00.004-04:00

It's that time of year again.

The finishing season. Finishing school. Finishing sports and ballet and art. We're finishing. We've got end-of-grade testing and tournaments. Recitals and gallery shows. We are anxious to finish. Anxious for summer. For a break.

But finishing is hard and busy work. The week is planned to the minute. So of course, in that typical life way, the van needed a tire replaced. I don't have time to replace tires. I don't have time for a blow-out either. (Changing tires is one of the things I'll add to the list of things to learn to do on my own, later. I don't have time right now.) But a nice man at church pointed out that the white showing through the tires was a sure sign of an impending blow-out. So I begrudgingly took the car to the mechanic and, of course, it was going to take all morning. I did everything I could from home. Then I started pacing. I'm not in a good spot in life for pacing. If I pace I start to think about how I want to be with my sister to comfort her in a hard time. Or I go to the angry or sad place of my current lonely, life-altering predicament. Pacing is no good, not only for my mind but also because I have so many errands to run to help with the finishing.

Just as I was getting good and worked up, it started misting. I love mist. I stopped to watch as it drizzled slowly down the windows. That's when the mechanic called to say the van was ready. For a minute, I contemplating calling a friend for a ride. Then I grabbed my purse and left. I walked. I walked in the mist until I was soaked through and the pacing had melted away. It was gray and cool, and I'm sure I looked a bit crazy. But it was so wonderfully perfect.

Now I can finish the finishing with a properly fitted vehicle. And a properly misted soul.

Strawberries For Jam

2011-05-10T15:37:00.005-04:00

Three berry

Four berry
Hayberry
Strawberry

Finger and pawberry
My berry, your berry

Strawberry ponies
Strawberry lambs
Dancing in meadows
Of strawberry Jam

-from Jamberry by Bruce Degen

It's strawberry season! So we took our annual trip to the strawberry patch. Lot's of strawberries were picked. Strawberries for jam. Strawberries for strawberry shortcake. Strawberry milkshakes. Strawberry pie. Strawberries and cream. And just plain, sweet strawberries piled high in a bowl and eaten while hammock swinging in a nice spring breeze.

And The Rest Is A Muddle

2011-05-02T13:15:00.004-04:00

Other than the ducks and the fish, and visiting with family, the trip was a muddled bunch of rest and down time.

The kids learned that when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do, you have to make your own fun. Like flying down hill in a wagon until you crash into the grass at the bottom. The hills kept getting higher and the crashes harder throughout the week, but they never tired of it. For five days straight they crashed wagons and came home with the bumps to prove it. It was a satisfying, pure kind of fun. The sort of thing only kids could think up.

We also stretched our imaginations. A go-kart was built (to save the wagons, I believe). And, as I mentioned, we came up with hundreds of future children's books about the various careers of ducks.

It wasn't all play. We did a whole lot of resting and snuggling. Mostly snuggling. With that many people crammed into one small cabin, I wouldn't call it a napping house. But it's a good snuggling house. Mom and daughter snuggling. Cousin snuggling. Sister snuggling. And grandma snuggling. All important for a well balanced mental state.

And finally there was a lot of exploring. Exploring nature. Exploring the future town of my sister and brother-in-law. Exploring what grows. Exploring great-grandmas old shed for treasure. Exploring my heart. We all needed to do some exploring. It's good for body, mind, and spirit.

And that was our muddled bit of rest. It was a wonderful break from our normal. And we loved sharing it with people we love and who love us. Thanks for the visit. Thanks for the hospitality. Thanks for the rest.

And Then Came The Ducks

2011-04-29T11:54:00.005-04:00

On Tuesday my mom decided to take the kids to the hardware store. They were going to check out the baby chicks and maybe pick up a few more plants for the garden. Apparently somewhere between the chickens and the vegetables they got a little distracted. And then we had what I'm going to call "a grandma moment". You know the kind. It's when your adorable grandchildren think something is cute or awesome, so you buy it without really thinking through the repercussions of the purchase.

And that is how we got ducks.

I was sitting on the porch reading when Chris ran through the door with a box. At first I was sure they had bought chickens. My mom has been talking about getting chickens for awhile now, so a chicken purchase made sense, sort of. I mean she still had no where to put them, but a chicken coop could be built. But instead, he opened the box to reveal two fluffy little ducks. Yes, ducks. There was also no where to put the ducks, and a pond is not so easily built. As my mind is reeling with, "Oh my word, why in the world are there baby ducks in the kitchen", the kids had moved on to playing with the ducks in the kitchen. And my, they were really cute.

So we played with ducks all week. And, with the exception of having to blow-dry one back to life as it's body temperature had plummeted from being put in icy water, it was a fun experience raising ducks for a week. (Yes, I used a blow dryer on a duck. Like I said, this purchase was not really thought through so we didn't have a heating lamp. So I improvised with a blow dryer.) The kids named them Fluffy and Puffy, which I thought was so Beatrice Potter and that of course made me love the ducks even more. The ducks actually became fond of the kids and began jumping from their "pond" into the kid's waiting laps. And luckily for the ducks, a friend with a real pond offered to take them when we left.

All in all, a happy ending. We got to play with ducks and the ducks got a new home. The end.

*A note to the grandma's: Seriously, The End. Thanks for the Beatrice Potter experience. I can now write beautiful children's books about a girl and her duck, a tractor driving duck, and a boat captain duck. But we will only be accepting stuffed ducks of the plush variety in the future.

Mr. Owl!?

2011-04-28T17:52:00.004-04:00

"Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop!?

A good question. Let's find out.
A One... A two-HOO... A tha-three..(crunch sound effect)
A Three!
How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
The world may never know."
-1970 Tootsie Pop commercial

Mr. Owl, how many snaps does it take to get a good picture of four kids!? More than three, that's for sure. Try ten or so, plus another person using another camera taking ten or so more at the same time. Then if your lucky you might get one, one I tell you, where they are all looking at the camera, and, if the sun is really shining down on you, they might all be smiling. But we'll call "all looking at the camera" good enough. Because if you stand there too long you have a full blown child mutiny on your hands and they'll threaten to throw both of your cameras in the shark tank. After all, they're already wearing matching outfits for you and sitting calmly on a bench pretending to really like each other, when what they really want to do is spill chocolate ice cream (or pureed carrots) right down the front of those beautiful matching outfits. So good enough is, well, good enough. Luckily, good enough is pretty cute.

And On Friday, The Aquarium

2011-04-27T12:53:00.004-04:00

I love aquariums. The darkness and the water. The amazing and unusual creatures. The calm and the excitement of it. The colors are so vivid. I could sit in an aquarium for hours. However, children don't sit anywhere for hours. For them, the most exciting thing in the whole place lies in the next tank. Luckily we had enough slow walking adults to balance out the running kids so that we kept a somewhat leisurely pace and all was seen and enjoyed.

("Yes, yes the jelly fish are cool, but seriously check out my shoes!")

So maybe fast paced excitement is for older children. I guess we all enjoyed the aquarium in our own special way.

More Easter Fun and A Backwards Trip

2011-04-26T12:18:00.004-04:00

We have just returned from a week away. It was spring break here, so the four of us loaded up the van, said goodbye to the cat, and headed to Tennessee to visit family and spend some time barefoot on a country road. I think I'll tell you about that trip backwards. The week was full of good stories, waiting to be heard. And backwards seems to be the way my mind wants to tell them. So I'll start with the last thing we did before we piled back into the van and headed home.

I think I want to start here because I'm still in an Easter frame of mind and so it makes since to start with what happened right before Easter, which of course was the egg dying. One of my favorite of all holiday traditions. I love the bright colors and the anticipation of the hunt. As my children have gotten older it has become even more fun. We don't just dip the white eggs in dye anymore, though that's beautiful. Now we tie-dye them, and draw on them, and mix colors to create more colors. It's an artful sort of holiday tradition. And I have to say, I believe this was the loveliest set of Easter eggs we've ever created. It was especially wonderful because we got to do it with a lots of family gathered around to help, including a new cousin who was celebrating her first Easter. And that's what Easter's about. New life, new creation, new loves.

Easter Fun

2011-04-25T17:35:00.004-04:00

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter! Our Easter day came after a long week out of town. (More on that later.) So our Sunday was spent doing a lot of sitting and unwinding and settling back into the rhythm of home. Of course, it also involved some chocolate, some egg hunts, and a wonderful church service that thoroughly centered my soul. All in all, it was a lovely day.

Pure Mischief

2011-04-16T10:53:00.002-04:00

See that face. That is the face of pure mischief. Those eyes, that sparkle. It's a mischievous sparkle. That sparkle tells me she will most likely be the one I'm bailing out of jail one day. Because she's the kind of kid who looks at something and say, "I wonder what would happen if I...?"

She had one of those moments last night.

Let me set the scene for you. Yogi Bear finally came to the dollar cinema. So we had a movie night out last night. It's the dollar cinema so I got to treat them to Icee's and popcorn. The movie was good and we had so much fun. We retold our favorite parts and laughed the whole way home. When we got home the girls still had some Icee left so they were sitting at the table finishing them before bed. Sicily was playing with hers more than drinking it because she's just recently learned that if you suck liquid up into a straw and hold your finger over the top it stays in the straw. I told her to quit playing and finish up so that we could get in bed. Then I made the mistake of leaving them alone in the kitchen.

Two minutes later I hear Analiese let out a shrill scream that I'm positive the whole neighborhood heard. In the time it took me to get back to the kitchen, Analiese had body slammed Sicily to the ground and started kicking. Chris got to them first and pulled Analiese off of Sicily and had to use all of his strength to keep Analiese from jumping back on her. Meanwhile she's still screaming at the top of her lungs and Sicily is crying. It was complete chaos. I finally got them to settle down enough to get the story.

Apparently Sicily, who had been sucking up Icee into her straw and holding it there, had looked up and had her "I wonder what would happen if I.." moment. She sucked up a straw full of Icee and then released it...

...right into Analiese's ear!

That's when she found out that if you release a straw full of Icee into your normally passive sister's ear she will become irate and try to beat the life out of you. Question answered.

This is that face in time out, a place she knows very well...

Feisty Sprite

2011-04-14T10:34:00.006-04:00

Sicily started playing soccer this spring.

Sicily learned that she does not like soccer this spring.

Sicily is overly aggressive. The kind of person who will walk up to you and punch you in the arm just to say hello. Not because she's mean, she's just feisty. She hits you with a smile and expects that you'll shove her right back. She's like a lion cub.

She's also highly competitive. She has to win at board games. The words "graceful loser" don't register at all with her. She once told me that she should have been the first child but the other two pushed her out of the way so that they could come first. And she's been shoving them back ever since, trying to win back her rightful place. (There's a life lesson there. I'm sure of it.)

Given that naturally aggressive, competitive nature, Sicily should have loved organized sports. But here's the thing about a strong-willed, feisty sprite: she only wants to fight on her terms, not because she's told to.

And so, she would rather not run around in a mob after a silly ball, thank you very much. She's strong and has a naturally good kick, so her coach is constantly prompting her to act. Which she does, kind of. She runs after the mob for a minute, gets herself to the middle, and gives the ball a good solid kick. Then she stops and lets the rest of the team chase after the ball she just kicked. Meanwhile she stands around waiting until they come back her way. Then she gives the ball another good kick and sends the other kids flying after the ball again. It's more like swatting flies than playing soccer. While she's waiting, she checks out her nails or digs holes in the field with her cleats. Then when the game is over she lines up the ball and kicks a perfect goal, just because she can and because no one expected her too. Oh, my feisty little sprite.

So maybe soccer's not for her. But the girl needs some kind of aggression outlet. The rest of us don't have the personality of a lion cub and we're all tired of the bruises. Maybe karate is more her thing. Or maybe I'll just get her a punching bag for her room.

The Life of a Politician

2011-04-08T12:53:00.009-04:00

It's been a big week for Analiese. On Wednesday she was elected as one of our town commissioners by her peers!

"Aren't you a little young to be a town commissioner? Why yes, yes I am."*

She was thrilled at first. I mean look at that stage and the big leather chair. The life of a politician seemed grand. Until, that is, she sat through her first town meeting. She realized that some people have really silly ideas about the way a town should be run. And people don't like it if you want to spend all of their tax dollars on ice cream parties. She constantly threw up her hands in exasperation.

Luckily, her term only spanned thirty minutes after which she retired to the town green with a Popsicle and started her autobiography on the struggles of being a politician.

She then settled into retirement by taking a walking tour of historic downtown Matthews. Without the weight of public demand on her shoulders she was able to find an appreciation for early 20th century architecture. And she even found time to stop and smell the roses, literally.

With politics behind her, her latest project is trying to convince her mom that raising chickens in the back yard is not only a good idea, but a great one. She's realized that this job may be harder than running a town ever was, as her mom is not budging on her firm "no". Although her mom has agreed to let her visit the chicks at the hardware store whenever she likes. Being seven, she'll take what she can get.

*Phineas and Ferb joke. We love that show.

Broken Glass

2011-04-07T17:38:00.004-04:00

I have spent the last three days cleaning up glass. Millions of tiny shards of glass.

At 3am on Tuesday morning I woke with a start as a gush of wind that the weather man tells me was around 95 mph shook the entire house. Thunder clashed and lightening flashed. Then the wind hit again. That's when I heard the glass. It wasn't the crisp glass breaking sound of a baseball flying through a window. It was more like the crunching sound of a windshield of a car that's been in a wreck. It sounded like the glass was folding in on itself. Then the wind hit again and all of those tiny broken shards started swirling around hitting the windows and walls. All three kids came running down the stairs. The girls were screaming. Chris thought we were in a tornado and I have to admit I did too. I turned on the TV hoping the weatherman would tell me what was going on. The four of us and the cat sat huddled at the foot of my bed for an hour, jumping out of our skin each time another gust hit the house. I thought there was a good chance we were about to lose the roof. Around 5am the rain came and ushered out the storm. The wind calmed and it was just soft rain falling all around us. We all finally drifted off into an exhausted sleep.

When we opened the door the next morning glass came with it. Our entire storm door had shattered. Glass was everywhere, including lodged into the walls of the house. So were tree limbs and soccer balls and trash. It was a mess. I'm actually grateful though. Friends had it much worse. Huge oak trees uprooted and fell on houses and cars. Fallen power lines and debris laid across the roads for hours, blocking travel until most people just turned around and went back home. Some people are still without power. I just have a little (well a lot) of broken glass.

Although, we'll all be alright with not going through another night like that for a very long time.

Today

2011-04-03T14:04:00.004-04:00

Today is not a good day
Stranded in the heartache
Watching all the world race
And pass me by
Like a wave on the ocean
Comes a flood of emotion
And it can't go unspoken
No, it can't go unspoken one more time
We fall apart just to come alive
A broken heart can shatter all the lies
A brand new start and a goodbye
We fall apart just to come alive
But this is still a good life
Standing in the Sunlight
Scattering the long line
Of fear and shame
Cause underneath the surface
There's a heart and a purpose
And I swear that it's worth it
It's not in vain
We fall apart just to come alive

We Fall Apart - Bebo Norman

Sometimes They Surprise You

2011-03-31T20:35:00.006-04:00

Lately, I've felt like I'm failing with the boy.

Parenting is hard. You never know if you're really doing a good job. Every stage brings it's own set of challenges that give you one more opportunity to ultimately screw the kid up. And you really won't know if you've successfully guided them through each stage for decades. Even then, they could one day start making choices that reveal that, yes, you did in fact mess them up for life. It's a pretty awesome and rewarding job. It's a good thing unconditional love and devotion kicks in at birth, otherwise you might give up about the time the terrible twos hit.

The boy has been challenging lately. He's a pre-teen displaying all of the hormonal emotions that come with that. Including the kick of testosterone that makes him want to fight with all of his pre-teen friends who want to fight with him. He's challenging my authority. He's been making fun of his sisters and ignoring them in the hallways at school. He's angry with his dad for leaving. Of the three, he's taken the separation the hardest. His mouth has been moving at break neck pace with one negative statement after the next. He's just plain moody.

It's hard to watch and it feels like everything I try to say or do to help him through this stage is falling flat.

But the thing about parenting is, just when you think you've screwed them up beyond repair they surprise you with some incredibly thoughtful act. And instantly your hope in raising a kind and responsible adult is restored.

Today, the boy surprised me.

He went on a field trip with his class to the state capital. He went to the government building, the science museum, and the history museum. His teacher had told them that they could bring money for the gift shops. So I gave him some money so that he could get a little souvenir from his trip. When I picked him up I asked him about the day. He told me about all of the fun he had with friends and the interesting things he learned. Then he pulled out the little bag of what he had bought at the gift shop. First, he pulled out an arrowhead key chain he had bought for himself. Then, the boy who ignores his sisters in the hallway and calls them annoying, pulled out two rings that he had bought, in front of his friends, just for them. Then he gave me a beautiful stone and showed me the one he had bought for his dad. I was shocked by the thoughtfulness of it all. I couldn't believe he had spent his money on us. Especially when he told me that there had been something else he had wanted to buy but couldn't get it because he wouldn't have been able to get the gifts for us. I've couldn't quit telling him thank you and that I was proud of him.

The gifts were little things. But they meant the world because he did it completely on his own.

Maybe we'll make it through this stage after all. Maybe it doesn't matter as much if I'm not perfect at this job or that I fail occasionally. Maybe it has a lot more to do with the fact that underneath the pre-teen emotions and mouthiness is a good heart.

He's my boy. He has the potential to completely break my heart and to completely warm it. Either way I love him more than life.

Dear God...

2011-03-24T19:42:00.004-04:00

This is Analiese's prayer before bed tonight. I had to come to the computer immediately because I wanted to make sure I remembered it exactly as she said it. It's just about the most perfect prayer I've ever heard. This girl can bring me to tears faster than anyone I've ever known.

Oh, my sweet girl. I love you.

Dear God,

I hope you're feeling well today. I have pink eye, but I got to hang out with my mom today. Thanks for my friends. Oh, and I hope Jesus is ok today, too. Take care of daddy please. And God, even if everything goes bad, I still love you. The end.

Weekends Are For...

2011-03-21T07:23:00.003-04:00

...staying in your pajamas too long. And snuggling up with your sister to watch your favorite Saturday morning cartoons.

Quietly Entering Spring

2011-03-20T18:52:00.005-04:00

"It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade." - Charles Dickens

That is exactly how the first day of spring arrived here. It was warm but the clouds were low and heavy with rain. I think we'll be sleeping through a spring storm tonight.

The spring fairies seem to be waking slowly from their winter slumber.

That's fine with me. I like spring in small, bright bursts of rainbow-colored flowers and God-green leaves.

Let the winter slowly fade away as the earth arises to the spring. This way the rejuvination of the season will last longer so that I can be repeatedly reminded that, though winter may bring darkness and death, spring will always brings new life and light.

Home

2011-03-18T12:13:00.005-04:00

This is home to me.

A simple and delicious meal set for my family. Home to me is a familiar place of comfort where you can rest from the world in the people you love. It's talking and laughing and filling our bodies and spirits with nourishment. It's having someone to take care of and someone to take care of you. It's sharing a moment, a look, an inside joke, a fear, an up, a down.

This is a scene that makes my heart swell with joy. It's the moment right before I call them to the table and they pour in, a loud, jumbled mess of beautiful.

Irish For The Day

2011-03-17T12:50:00.003-04:00

Oh, the music in the air!
An' the joy that's irvywhere -
Shure, the whole blue vault of heaven is wan grand triumphal arch,
An' the earth below is gay
Wid it's tender green th'-day,
Fur the whole world is Irish on the Seventeenth o' March!

-Thomas Augustin Daly

Nothing perks my spirits quite like the day of the Irish. The green, the shamrocks, the leprechauns, the fairies. It's a no expectations, mystical, fun celebration of a day. I love this day! And so do my three sprites. Even the boy got into the leprechaun-dressing. (And it only took 10 years to get him to overcome his shyness in order to fully jump into the fun of it all.) We started the day in good Irish spirits and we'll end it with a hearty Irish stew and some soda bread, with some good mischief made in between. It's a good to be Irish, if only for the day.

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all!

Winter

2011-03-15T12:32:00.003-04:00

The air around our house is stale with winter. So I threw open the windows to let in something fresh. As I did a petal fell from the dying roses by my bed. Small and seemingly meaningless, yet I stared at the fallen petal wondering at the symbolism.

My heart is dying from the cold of winter. I need a little spring.

I got a babysitter to come that very night and went out for the first time since he left. I've been everything around this place, alone, for nearly two months now. I needed a minute to breath. I melted into an arm chair at a friend's house and laughed and forgot for a minute my upside down world.

I came home feeling refreshed. I kissed each sleeping child on the forehead with a smile. Then I made my way to my own room and came face to face with those damn roses. Still by my bed, dying. I can't escape this winter.

Weekends Are For...

2011-03-12T11:36:00.006-05:00

...roller skating in old school roller rinks with polished wood floors and disco balls. On old school tan four wheeled skates. For learning to balance and dancing on skates. For pizza breaks and red-cheeked happily exercised kids. For little sprites wondering if they'll ever be as fast and smooth as some of the older kids. For watching goofy teenagers show off for each other and appreciating that your three aren't there yet. Oh, the nostalgia of it all.

S@#%!!

2011-03-09T11:40:00.004-05:00

*warning this post contains a naughty word repeated...but it's so funny it's worth it.*

Yesterday I was sitting at the kitchen table with the kids helping them with homework. The older two were working quietly and I was helping Sicily make a chart of rhyming words. Across the top were the words Ham, Fox, Cat, and Sit. She added sit, it wasn't even supposed to be there, but she's an excited learner so I let it go. She was supposed to list 5 rhyming words under each one. So we start with Ham: Sam, Jam, Nam, Clam, and Sham. Good. Now Fox: Box, Nox, Cox, Lox, Shox. And so on. I should say at this point that she has recently learned the 'Sh' sound and she loves the way it feels to say it so all of her writing has had a lot of 'Sh' words. And now Sit: Mit, Kit, Bit, Lit, Shit. And then our conversation went something like this.

Me: "Oh, sorry honey. You're going to erase that last one."

Sicily: "Why? Shit is a good word. It rhymes."

Me: "Yes it does, but that's one of those words that we don't say. I don't think your teacher will like seeing it."

Sicily: "Why? It's just shit. It rhymes and I like that word and it says S H. I want to write shit."

Me: "I'm sorry baby but you're going to have to erase it. We just don't say that word. OK?"

At this point the other two can barely contain their laughter because naughty words are hysterical to children but they are about to be rolling in the floor.

Sicily: Now she's heated and yelling because she a feisty little sprite, "I like SHIT. I'm using shit. I'm leaving it. I like the word shit. It's a good word. Shit. Shit. Shit! See it rhymes with sit."

Me: very calmly, "You have to erase that word. It's not a word we use. I'm sorry but your teacher won't like that word."

Sicily: Arms crossed, lip stuck out, "Fine." She plops back down in her seat and erases the whole Sit column.

Somehow I've always known that of all of my children this child would be the one yelling at the top of her lungs "I like the word shit!". Oh, my feisty little sprite. I fear she's going to be a mess of a teenager. It's a good thing she's so damn, I mean darn, cute.

It's a Mouse-Mobile

2011-03-08T11:57:00.007-05:00

This has been the bane of my existence in the last few weeks...

What is it? It's a vehicle propelled by a mouse trap, of course. It's Chris' Odyssey of the Mind problem. And every parent with school aged children knows that if your child has a project you have a project. You may be reading this as a parent of young children or no children and saying to yourself, "Not me. That's cheating. My kids will do their own work." But that's one of those silly things that people without experience in the field say. You will help them because watching your child crumble to tears over the impossibility of finishing this on their own will make it impossible for you not to help them. Now, I'm not saying you should do it for them. Just "help" them. And by helping them, you will be the one crumbled on the floor in tears over the impossibility of doing this project. Or maybe that's just me on this particular project.

Now, I'm rambling. That's what this project has done to me. Let's get back to the topic at hand. So that is Chris' Mouse-mobile. A vehicle propelled only by a mousetrap. After months of working with his team to complete it, Saturday was the day he got to present it to the judges. And it worked! Sort of.

I feel I should explain Odyssey of the Mind at this point to those who aren't familiar, as I wasn't. It's not just that they have to invent something that solves the problem presented. That invention has to complete a serious of tasks. The team also has to come up with a story and script to present their invention completing these tasks. They also have to build a set and design costumes. And none of the ideas for this can come from the parents. We can show them how to build it and how to use the tools. But the finished product has to be done by the team. (The judges actually ask the kids, who are awful liars, so as parents you really can't have that much input.) On the day of competition, along with presenting their long term problem, they will be presented with a spontaneous problem. Something they have 10 minutes to solve on the spot, such as "You have 2 Popsicle sticks, a plastic cup, a sheet of paper, and a ping pong ball. Build a structure that can support the weight of 1 team member while protecting the ping pong ball." (That was really one of the spontaneous problems in past years.) In sum, this is the most stressful project we have ever worked through. Too many parts for 10 and 11 year old boys. And yet in the end they pulled it off! Sort of.

I keep saying sort of because none of it really worked during the presentation. But the set looked great, the lines were mostly remembered. And the cars moved, in the wrong direction perhaps, but the important thing is they moved.

All in all, I think it was a good, character building experience for the boy. I highly recommend doing it once. We, however, will never do it again.

But I am proud of my boy. He worked hard and pushed through his frustration. And so did I.

Last minute team meeting before the presentation

Proud of themselves after the spontaneous problem. The stickers say, shhhh!, because they can't tell other teams what the spontaneous problem is and they don't because if anyone doesn't like cheaters it's 10 and 11 year olds!

Getting ready to start the long term problem presentation. Their script was inspired by Tom and Jerry, you know because it's a mouse-mobile. Chris is in all black because he's the crew. That means he didn't have any lines, my shy boy, but he and two other boys were responsible for running the mouse-mobiles through the tasks. He stayed calm and composed the whole time, even though they only sort of worked. It was impressive.

The whole team was older brothers with little sisters. The little sisters thought the boy's show was great. They gave the loudest applause at the end.

And now the mouse-mobile at work. Like I said, it sort of worked. It was supposed to raise the flag. He gets two runs to make it work. The first time the string came unwound from the flag pole, but the car made it to the target point. The second time the car didn't make it to the target point so it didn't raise the flag. But he got points for the car actually running. So we're saying it worked. Sort of. Either way I'm proud of him for keeping his cool and pushing through. In the end he made a vehicle that was actually propelled by a mouse trap. I think that's pretty impressive!

The Plague

2011-03-04T11:15:00.002-05:00

Our house has been suffering from what can only be called The Plague. Oh, it's been an awful bug. Coughing, fever, congestion, stomach knots, and aches all over. Blah, is the best word for it. We've been quarantined from the outside world for two weeks now. One by one falling to it helplessly. Even my big strong boy has been struck down. He missed three days of school. On the fourth day I sent him back thinking he could handle it, only to have him come home and crash in exhaustion. So now he's home again with me, sleeping. Oh, I'm ready to be done with this.

Come spring! Come quickly so that we can air out this house of such sickness!

I have to say it's had a nice positive side, though. I've gotten a lot of mama snuggle time and game time with my babies. Even the five foot one. While my heart is sad that we're all sick, the joy of quality time can't be underestimated.

Loved

2011-03-01T11:34:00.005-05:00

It's good to be loved.

There are two things that can really show you how loved you are. Being sick and being heartbroken. If your both the love can be overwhelming.

Notes from dear, old friends come flying in by mailbox and inbox. I keep them by my bed and hold them close to my heart when I'm sad. Care packages start showing up on the door step. It's like Christmas in a box. People start showing up on the door step too. People from both near and far, there just to give you hugs and soup. Grandmas and Aunts buy you special treats that look like dolls and video games but are really hugs and kisses in disguise.

Yes, it's good to be loved.

We feel very loved right now. Thank you.

Weekends Are For...

2011-02-28T09:23:00.005-05:00

...getting some fresh air. Especially when that air is 75 degrees and the buttercups are coming up.

Away

2011-02-22T15:17:00.003-05:00

I've been away.

Literally, I've been away. I piled the kids up and we headed to Charleston. We needed to do a little mending in the company of good friends.

It looked like it was going to be a relaxing weekend until I caught what felt like the flu. It put me to bed by mid-Saturday leaving my dear friend to take care of all seven of our children alone. And like the true rock star mom she is, she ended up giving them a wonderful day while I slept it away. They had a tea party, a water gun fight, and even painted pretty pictures. By the time we loaded up the next day we were all sad to leave. It's good to be taken care of every now and then.

I'm back now.

Healing, physically. Dealing, emotionally.

Time to move forward. Not really sure where forward is taking me but at least I'm moving. I think.

Lovely Cards

2011-02-15T11:52:00.004-05:00

I love kid made valentines. I love watching them make them and exchange them with classmates. I love that for a minute they all get along and treat each other kindly.

This year I loved watching each of my kids as they decided who to give certain valentine's cards to.

Sicily gave freely with little care as to the message on the card. She just cared that everyone got one. And more importantly that in giving everyone one, they would give her one back.

Analiese picked out the best ones for her "B.F.Fs.". "To my B.F.F. Molly From your B.F.F. Analiese x0x0." Oh, my.

Chris was very careful as to the message that each card sent. He was especially careful that none of the girls got the wrong idea. He made it very clear that he was only giving out cards because he had to and that he thinks valentine's day is a stupid girl holiday. Oh son, yes, yes it is but that doesn't mean you get out of participating. My boy is growing up, but it's reassuring to know that I have a little bit longer until he's giving a girl a valentine because he wants to. For now, girls still have cooties. I'm ok with that and so is he.

Hope you all had a lovely Valentine's Day.

A Painting For My Heart

2011-02-08T21:35:00.010-05:00

First Kiss, Bouguereau

This painting has been above our bed since the first day we moved in together. We chose it because they fit us. He the passionately aggressive one, always trying to pull me from within myself. Me the guarded reserved one, unsure of how to give myself to him. That's who we were. We've grown up since then and this picture has begun to haunt me. It rips at my heart for the boy and the girl who were. I wonder who they would have become on a different road.

He left a few weeks ago. The split has been on the horizon for awhile now. One night as I crawled into bed alone I realized I couldn't stand to sleep beneath this picture any longer. So I took it down and turned it to the wall. It's who we were and in a twisted way it's who we are. He's still passionately aggressive but it's aimed at a place outside of me. And me, I'm just a different kind of guarded. I'm jaded. I live that reality daily, I don't need the visual reminder. But then I found myself curled up beneath a wall of nothing. I felt my heart go numb from the loss. So I moved the bed.

He came back last week. But that picture will never go back on our wall. It's not who I want to be. It's wrapped up in too much hurt. I need a new picture. The problem is I don't know which one this story will lead me to choose.

My heart wants it to be this one...

Duy Huynh

...but I fear the distance and hurdles to reach this embrace are too great.

So will it be this one?

Moment of Clarity, Duy Huynh

Walking a new road alone?

I'm waiting on the story to unfold.

Dreary Day Fun

2011-02-04T14:51:00.003-05:00

Oh my, how I wish my camera would have been handy as my three walked in from the bus today. What a pitiful lot they were! All staring down at rain boots while soaked hoods draped to their eyes. Their wet backpacks looked like they weighed two tons. Not a smile among them as they came through the door.

After all of the wet gear was shed they tromped into the kitchen wearing soggy, sad faces. This mama knew it was a hot cocoa afternoon. Three hot chocolates later spirits were starting to lift, so we built a blanket fort. Pillows and popcorn and flashlights. Key ingredients for getting drenched little sprites to laugh again.

A Season of Perspective

2011-02-01T15:51:00.004-05:00

Nothing that is can pause or stay;

The moon will wax, the moon will wane,
The mist and cloud will turn to rain,
The rain to mist and cloud again,
Tomorrow be today.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This new year has left our household fraught with change. I have no words to say. I have many words to say. I am anxious. I am calm. I am discouraged. I am hopeful.

No, I'm not schizophrenic. It's just complicated.

I promise I'll be back here soon to start sharing. I've just needed some time to process it all myself. Until then I leave you with some pictures of my lovely kids enjoying an unseasonably warm day this past weekend. Sometimes the unexpected can be exactly what you needed.

Birthday Weekend Fun

2011-01-15T17:46:00.004-05:00

Weekends are for celebrating. Especially for celebrating a pretty awesome six year old! It's been a good (exhausting) weekend of birthday party fun.

A Birthday

2011-01-14T14:03:00.004-05:00

My baby girl turns six today. My sweet Sicily. My spunky little sprite.

She's our child that keeps us guessing. She's surprising. She's a rock star in a princess dress. She's polite and friendly but she can beat up anyone, boy or girl, who gets in her way, or she'll at least go down fighting. And sometimes she punches her brother and sister in the arm just to start a fight. She's feisty like that and may have too much aggression for her own good. Luckily she can hold her own and she gives great hugs to make up for it.

She's a mama's girl. Steven often says he didn't see that one coming. She has all the makings of a daddy's girl. But she's kind of a wild thing. She knows not to bite the hand that feeds her. She's the best at snuggling and gives awesome kisses. She also has the best pout I've ever seen. Between that and her big brown eyes she gets her way more than I'm willing to admit.

She's a punk fashionista. Today for school she wore grey and white striped tights under a red patterned skirt with a white hoodie, green and yellow leg warmers, and green and orange fingerless gloves. She wears a head band everyday in her wild, blond hair. And she loves pink glittery nail polish and lip gloss.

She loves to ride her bike and scooter with a baby doll in a baby carrier on her back. She likes Legos and Barbie dolls, Disney princesses and video games. The girl has range.

She's a sprite, a mess, mischievous, and sweet.

I love her more than life.

Happy Birthday my sweet Sicily!

Frozen

2011-01-11T11:19:00.004-05:00

Our beautiful snow turned into ice overnight. The ground around us is frozen solid. But the kids refuse to be deterred from enjoying the winter weather. They had big plans for the day before breakfast was even finished cooking.

The boy took it upon himself to clear the worst parts of the ice first. Like a little man he ate his breakfast then trudged outside with a snow shovel to clear the driveway and walk. Wanting no help, he worked for an hour breaking up ice and shoveling it away. It was a big job for a boy who thinks he's a man. But the boy's persistent if nothing else. When he decided he'd done a good enough job (which was pretty good indeed), he came and got his sisters. The three took off to find the other neighborhood children and the sleds. With happy faces they went out to conquer the world of ice, a little ragamuffin army of freckle-faced light.

Falling

2011-01-10T12:57:00.003-05:00

I sat down to write thinking surely I had something to say. I thought for certain I would write a poem of melancholy depth that would tell you how I'm feeling. But instead I restarted and scratched out more times than I can count. None of it quiet right.

The winter has turned dark and cold and I think I'm frozen. No art today. No words. All I seem to be able to do is stare out the window at the falling snow. It's fallen all day. Big, white squares falling so fast at times I grow a bit dizzy. I just can't stop staring at it, and not a single thought in my head. The boy is sitting here with me, also staring. It's oddly mesmerizing.

We built a snowman earlier. One of the neighborhood kids ran through him though and he's gone. It was kind of a mean and selfish thing to do after all of the time we put into it. Maybe we'll build another. I think we need the distraction. We're both a little lonely and grey.

Routine

2011-01-07T10:40:00.004-05:00

Monday we jumped back into our routine. After a week of rest we headed out the door quiet energetic. They all came home from school beaming, all with exciting news to share.

Tuesday we were still rolling, though the little one needed some rest time by afternoon.

Wednesday the boy was already back to complaining because his sisters were taking too long to get ready to leave.

Thursday both girls had full meltdowns before dinner.

Friday Sicily's head hit her muffin before it hit the table as she fell asleep in her breakfast. Later in the morning I found the cat sound asleep in my still unmade bed. I followed her lead and had a nap.

Ah, routine. It's exhausting.

I predict Saturday is going to be a pj day.

Cheers To An End and A Beginning

2010-12-31T16:53:00.004-05:00

For last year's words belong to last year's language.
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.

~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

I wouldn't say this year has been bad. I wouldn't say this year has been good either. I would say this year has been challenging. It has been a year of growth. And of growing up. It has been a year of set backs. It has been a year to reevaluate. And reevaluate. And reevaluate. It has been a year of heartache. It has been a year of deep sacrificial love.

This was the year the baby bird flew the nest. The year she took off to a new world outside of our home. The year she started kindergarten. This was the year she found her best friends. (A feisty mess of sprites they be.) This was her year for independence. And the year her independence left her needing a lot of mama snuggle time. This was the year she learned to ride a bike. This was the year she learned she likes having wheels to exert that independence. This was the year the ocean didn't scare her. This was the year she started learning to read and add and write her name. This was her year for growth.

This was the year the middle one was pushed, maybe too hard. This was a year of tears. This was the year she drew on, sculpted, and built with at least 200 cardboard boxes. This was a year of fairy magic and nature appreciation. This was the year she learned to ride a bike. This was the year she learned that she doesn't really like riding a bike. This was her year to need shelter and comfort. This was the year she got her ears pierced. This was the year she soothed her soul with the ocean. This was the year her best friend moved away. The year she made a new best friend. This was the year she read A Little Princess. This was her year for challenges.

This was the year that marked a decade for the boy. The year he heard the phrases "be respectful" and "be nice" and "go to your room" more than he cared to. This was the year he found his creativity. This was the year he sculpted a dragon and filled a sketch book with drawings. This was the year he read novel after novel after novel. This was the year he watched Princess Bride and liked it (something his mom thinks is key to be a well rounded person). This was the year he was put in the honors class. This was the year he learned that while honors may mean extra privileges , it also means extra work. This was the year he rose to the occasion. This was the year he grew into the same shoe size and T-shirt as his mom. This was the year seeing his mom cry made him pre-teen moody face soften. This was the year he learned that doing that right thing can leave him feeling left out with his friends. This was the year he needed more wisdom from dad than care from mom. This was the year he started growing up.

This was the year that Steven and I...well I don't know what to say about us. This was the year we reevaluated everything. Everything. This was the year we went bankrupt. The year we learned our family could not only make it, but thrive on very little. This was the year we fought hard. This was the year we loved hard. This was the year Steven excelled at work. This was the year he really knew he had found his niche, his calling. This was the year he worked three jobs to make the income from that calling livable. This was the year he sold his motorcycle. This was the year my last baby went to school. This was the year I started to accept that she is really my last baby. This was the year I learned to make strawberry jam. This was the year I let the ocean soothe my soul. This was the year I needed a lot of soul soothing. This was our year of set backs and break-through. This was our year of heartbreak and deep sacrificial love.

I'm ready for the new year. And yet with each new year I want to slow down time. I'll turn thirty this coming year and my son will officially be a pre-teen in the coming year. It's cliche, but childhood does go by far too quickly. As does life. I have many resolutions for this new year but that's for another day.

For now, let me just say "Cheers!". Cheers to the new year. To new opportunities. To new beginnings. To new growth. To new joys.

And thank you. Thank you for reading, for commenting, for supporting this somewhat melancholy, sometimes muddled woman. For loving our beautiful mess.

Happy New Year.

2010 Has Come and Gone

2010-12-30T15:49:00.002-05:00

"Today is gone. Today was fun.
Tomorrow is another one."
- Dr. Seuss, One Fish - Two Fish - Red Fish - Blue Fish

2010 has come and gone. It was a good year. It was a hard year. It was an emotionally charged year. But more on that tomorrow. For now, here are some of my favorite pictures from the year. My freckle-faced wildflowers have never been more beautiful.

Another free digital slideshow by Smilebox

Christmas Merriment

2010-12-29T11:18:00.005-05:00

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree:

the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other."
- Burton Hillis

Our White Christmas

2010-12-28T11:42:00.004-05:00

Christmas morning was cold but sunny. It was actually great for taking a family walk along the creek. Well, Steven and I were the only ones walking. The girls got new scooters for Christmas and the boy got a new bike. (An adult sized bike. Oh, my. He's getting so big.) So they were riding while we were speed walking to keep up. It was the highlight of my lovely Christmas day.

But right after dinner the weather shifted. Big wet snowflakes started falling to the ground. Although it made for a pretty winter sky, we went to bed thinking it wouldn't amount to much. We awoke to a wonderful surprise. A winter wonderland! Quiet and white and peaceful. It was beautiful. We got the first white Christmas that the Queen City has seen in 40 years. It was the perfect Christmas present for us all.

Merry Christmas To All...

2010-12-24T21:17:00.000-05:00

Another ecard by Smilebox

...and to all a goodnight!

Loves

2010-12-23T10:18:00.003-05:00

"But for now let me say -

without hope or agenda -

just because it's Christmas -

and on Christmas you tell the truth -

to me, you are perfect."

- Love Actually

Almost

2010-12-22T16:36:00.002-05:00

The scene is set. The gifts are wrapped. Let the merry making commence.

Winter

2010-12-21T17:12:00.004-05:00

A wrinkled crabbed man they picture thee,

Old Winter, with a rugged beard as grey

As the long moss upon the apple tree;

Blue-lipt, an icedrop at thy sharp blue nose

Close muffled up, and on thy dreary way

Plodding alone through sleet and drifting snows.

They should have drawn thee by the high-heapt hearth,

Old Winter! seated in thy great armed chair,

Watching the children at their Christmas mirth;

Or circled by them as thy lips declare

Some merry jest, or tale of murder dire,

Or troubled spirits that disturbs the night,

Pausing at times to rouse the mouldering fire,

Or taste the old October brown and bright.

-Winter, Robert Southey

(picture by Chris)

Today is the Winter Solstice. I love knowing that. I love each seasons change. Each just long enough to enjoy, not so long that you grow weary of it. Winter is a season most dislike. But I find great comfort in the winter. Winter is a season for savoring long, quiet stretches of just being. It's a season for a bit of solitude. Winter is the season of snow, so beautifully peaceful. Winter is the season for hot chocolate and warm fires. It's a time for huddling under blankets in the comfortable presence of someone dear. It is the season of rest. The earth goes to sleep and rejuvinates it's soul so that at Spring's arrival it can burst forth in energetic displays of color. It seems to me the human soul needs the same. I find with each new year that my melancholy spirit settles into winter especially well. A season of rest. Quiet. I do love a long stretch of quiet.